It's been almost a year since your horrible death, yet it seems like just yesterday. March 22, 2008, the day before Easter, I was dying Easter eggs with my kids, trying to get in touch with you. We always talked several times throughout the day, yet on this day, all I got was your voicemail. I started to get a funny feeling in my gut around noon, and ironically, that is the time that you took your life. Why, Mary, did you do this? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave your kids and your family? I will never forget Brian's call. We had just sat down to eat dinner, my family and I, when he called and told me the horrible news. I went outside so my children couldn't see my reaction. I remember sitting on the grass and bawling. Just the day before, you were sitting beside me and wrote me a note saying you loved me. We were like sisters, Mary. Why didn't you come to me instead? I could have helped you. Now I am left here with this horrible pain. Did you know that the calendar has March 22 listed as "Mothering Sunday" this year? You were such a great mom, Mary, that this doesn't surprise me.
Last night I went to church for Ash Wednesday- the beginning of Lent. They played the song "Amazing Grace." I cried for you, Mary. My son asked me if the ashes from my forehead got in my eyes, I was crying so much and he was so worried about me. I will never forget you Mary. We went through the same things- our lives were parallel growing up. I guess that is why we were so close- we could relate to each other. I had already worked through my pain from the past, yet you were just beginning to, and I was going to help you. Now I feel like a failure because I couldn't help you, Mary. I am so sorry for that. Will you forgive me? Then, maybe, one day I can forgive myself.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see. T'was Grace that taught...my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear...the hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils and snares...we have already come. T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...and Grace will lead us home. The Lord has promised good to me...His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be...as long as life endures. When we've been here ten thousand years...bright shining as the sun. We've no less days to sing God's praise...then when we've first begun. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see."