Let there be silence

I'm having this shoulder thing. It started bothering me at the end of last summer. I can't pinpoint a particular incident that caused the injury although I think it can be attributed to the weighted work-out bars I just HAD to have for my birthday (shhh... don't tell Pete). In the fall I went to an orthopedic doctor and after the x-rays showed no bone problems, he suggested I have an MRI.

The last time I had an MRI was a very unpleasant experience. I was having migraine-associated vertigo, which they later confirmed as Meniere's disease, and get this; they forgot to give me earplugs. It was like being stuck in a clothes dryer with firecrackers. I mean, I really think my permanent hearing damage is because of that. Halfway through I remembered that I was supposed to have the earplugs. I started waving my hands and flailing my legs to get their attention. My ears rung for days.

So you can imagine what I said to an MRI last fall- no, thank you! I begged for a cortisone shot instead. The doctor wanted me to have physical therapy, but Christmas was coming up along with a pile of debt. I put it off thinking the shot would do the deal and I could be done with it. No such luck.

In fact, it has gotten worse. The funny thing is sometimes it doesn't bother me, except that I can't lift my left arm all the way; but when I try to do something like throw sheets out on a bed or fold table cloths, it hurts like hell. Over the weekend I had a horrible crick in my neck due to the tension from my shoulder. The combination of the two caused another migraine.

Luckily I had made an appointment last week after I discovered I could no longer shave under my arm and I had to wash my hair with one hand. Today was the day I went. Tomorrow is the MRI. I'll keep you posted... and I'll make sure I have earplugs this time.

This thing we call time...

"I can't believe how long it's been since we last talked!"

Haven't you ever said that to a loved one or a friend after too much time has gone by since you last talked to them or even saw them? I sure have, and I'm saying that to you now. I can't believe how much I've slacked on this blog. I do have some very justifiable reasons as we all do when our defense mechanism kicks in: the kids are keeping me busy, Pete's night classes are taking a toll on me, I've been concentrating on my poetry, the dog ate my homework... oops, that's an excuse for something else. Anyway, you get the drift.

I remember when the kids were little. People would tell me to enjoy this time because once they start school, it will fly faster than a flight to New York. It was a little hard for me to believe them as I was consumed by poopy diapers, fitful nights, mysterious illnesses, trips to the ER and the list goes on. All I could think was, "Is this ever going to end?"

And now they are well into school and I find myself wondering where all the time has gone.

Yesterday I went to my ENT for a checkup (remember my Meniere's Disease?). It had been two years since my last visit and I am happy to say I've been dizzy-free (except for those blonde moments). He has me on a daily regimen of Zyrtec and Astepro nasal spray to control the fluid build-up in my ears.  Time has been good to me in that respect.

Until I mentioned to the specialist how my hearing in my left ear seems to be weakening at which they proceeded to give me a hearing test. It showed a definite decrease in the hearing in my left ear since the last test.

"You're too young for that," Doc said. "We need to find out what the problem is. It can be a virus or perhaps a tumor (malignant)."

Tumor? Oh my, God how I 'awful-ize' things. I went from little tumor in my middle ear, malignant at that, to an inoperable brain tumor in a matter of seconds. The rest was just a whirl: heavy-duty steroids, come back for an ABR test, then maybe an MRI... blah, blah, blah.

And I'm thinking about my jumbled speech, headaches, saggy left eye, the problems I've had with my left shoulder (of course, I'm a little dramatic at this point). The time I need to live, please dear God.

{Today I started my steroids so I WILL be a writer/poet on steroids for a week or two.}

Time, time, time... I have to wait for you now. In the meantime, I'll try to catch up with those (friends, loved ones) who have snuck by because of... well, because of me.

What's Been Going On...

There are a few recurring topics on this blog that I would like to update you on. Things have been extremely busy around here for the...well, since I became a mother of three, but especially at the end of the school year these past couple of weeks. I wish I had time to write more frequently, but there are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished. So, here's the latest:

1. My dizzy problem- I went back to my ENT doctor the other day to go over the results of the MRI. He said everything looked fine and there are no tumors (thank you Lord). The doctor said he is treating me for Meniere's disease and that I might also have migraine-associated vertigo, which sometimes goes along with Meniere's. Since I've had this basically all my life and some of the tests were positive for Meniere's, that is how he made his diagnosis. But we still won't know for sure until I can more accurately document my symptoms before and during each episode. For example, stress, diet and allergies can cause the dizziness. I do know one thing- I tend to get this when I am overly exhausted and stressed. I guess only time will tell. Until then, please pray for me. We are leaving Sunday to go to Disney World for a few days, and I would hate to wake up dizzy that morning. In fact, I'm thinking about just staying up, since we have to leave for the Houston airport at 4:00 AM. When I had my hysterectomy, I woke up dizzy and we still had to go. The walk from my car to the hospital entrance took us forever because I was so dizzy and throwing up so much from it. But the nurses gave me some medicine and it helped. I want that medicine!

2. Ms. Angelle- She is as spunky as ever! Ninety-four and still going strong, although moving much more slowly. She went to Katie's dance recital and thoroughly enjoyed watching it, although some of her comments really revealed the huge generation gap. Pete, the boys and my mom sat with her because I had to help Katie so much. Ms. Angelle is very outspoken, and apparently she voiced her opinion periodically. Think about it, she grew up in the days when a girl would never be caught dead prancing around on stage in skimpy clothes. But she enjoyed watching Katie nonetheless.
I also took Ms. Angelle shopping recently. The Dillards here had some significant hurricane damage and has been remodeled. Ms. Angelle worked there in the china department eons ago and wanted to check it out. (Ironically, I worked at Dillards all through high school and college, transferring to the College Station one and then working at this one during holidays and summers, but I don't remember her). I don't shop at the mall much anymore (much to Pete's delight), so I wasn't familiar with which door I should park by that would be close to the elevator. Wouldn't you know I would pick the side farthest away? She huffed and puffed just walking that much. When I take her to Sam's she uses a wheelchair, but the clueless clerk misinformed us when she said Dillards did not have a wheelchair. We later found out they do, and boy was Ms. Angelle hot! Anyway, we had to sit for a while and rest in the shoe department before we headed upstairs to her favorite department- the kitchen ware. She had a great time, but had to sit down and rest. Poor thing got so discouraged.
"I won't be walking by the time I'm ninety-five," she said, head hung down.
"That's what you said about ninety-four and look at you. You'll be fine," I answered encouragingly.
"Really?" She sounded hopeful.
So we ended up having lunch at Applebee's, which she thoroughly enjoyed, and then I took her home. Next time we will use the wheelchair.
Enough of me...what's been going on with you?

Test Results

I went back to the ENT doctor this morning. We went over all of the testing I had done two weeks ago and he still thinks I have migraine associated vertigo. That surprised me a little, since one of the tests showed up positive for Meniere's disease. I do find comfort in the fact that he's not willing to jump right in and put a label on me before he has a lot of evidence to support his diagnosis. Until I see him again in six weeks, I have to keep a journal so that if I have an episode I will know what some of the triggers might be. If I do have an episode, he wants to see me during it- Pete? I also am taking allergy meds and nose spray and have to do some balance exercises twice a day. Hopefully we will get to the bottom of this. Until then, I'll keep you posted.

I Never Wanted to be a Tight-Rope Walker Anyway

Have you ever woken up feeling like you have been hit by a train? Or worse, hit and then dragged down the track? Well, that is how I felt when I woke up this morning and I know exactly why I felt that way. Yesterday I endured two and a half long hours of testing for my vertigo problem. Hours of drumming in my ears, blowing cold and hot air in my ears, wearing goggles and following lights with my eyes. Hours of balance tests, things pushed hard in my ears- did I mention jack-hammering in my ears?

The first test was an Electrocochleography (ECochG- I think that's how you spell the shortened version). I had to lay down and after they cleaned and flushed my ears out, an instrument was inserted in both ears. The lady said it would be best if I fell asleep for this test. I thought, okay- I'll pretend like I'm on a beautiful beach with my hubby. The test began and I felt like I was being blown off the island by a tsunami. One ear literally sounded like a jack-hammer was beating up and down as hard as it could while the other side had this constant buzzing sound. Twenty minutes on that side, and then it switched to the other. Okay, who can sleep through this? I thought. I decided to try to use my meditation techniques, to no avail. Then I said some prayers. I ended up talking myself through it, "Okay. I can get through this, I can get through this. I've been through much worse." Then there were several more minutes of other noises, silences and buzzes. Forty-five minutes had passed by the time this shorter test was over. I felt like I had been through the ringer. Where's my cigarette? Oh, yeah, I gave up smoking years ago.

The second test was a Videonystagmography, or VNG. The lady who gave me this test was so sweet. She told me we would be doing a variety of things and that the whole thing would take two hours at the most. Did I mention I couldn't drink coffee or have caffeine 24 hours before the tests? The first thing we did was a bunch of balance tests. I am so glad I never aspired to be a tight-rope walker. I guess the WII fit balance tests were correct when they said I was unbalanced. After the tests, she put some huge, bulky goggles on me. I had to keep my eyes wide open and follow a light back and forth, up and down, fast and slow for a series of tests. They were measuring the reaction of my pupils, I think to movements. Then they closed the goggles and I had more tests done, with eyes open and moving. The last part of this test was the worse. Air was blown into my ear for 60 seconds. Not once, but twice. On each ear. Hot air, then cold air. Then she had to do one ear again. I had to answer all kinds of weird questions after the air blasts, like name things that are red, blue, cities, states, Disney characters and movies, girls names that start with "J" and boys names that begin with "B". I guess they didn't want me to have a stroke?

After all this was said and done, the tests showed that my right ear tested positive for Meniere's Disease and my left ear tested positive for vestibular (balance) weakness. The doctor will have to read through the tests and make a diagnosis and recommendation when I go back and see him on the 20th. Until then, I'll be praying that this can all be treated with a pill. And thanking God those tests are over. Sigh. TGIF!