Cut the crap,
the hazard trap-
endanger not your
words with shallow
verbs and adjectives
too fluffy. My voice
is a pillow- when
I open up people
listen then fall
asleep.
@laurie
Prompt inspirations:
Imaginary Gardens- Words Count with Mama Zen
3WW- cut, endanger, hazard
ARCHIVES.....FIRST DRAFTS.....
39 comments:
Judging by your written words, I am sure your spoken ones would be far from soporific.
Ohhhhhhh, talk about being one's own harshest critic! Well, wake them up girl!
If your voice is a pillow, it is for dreaming.!
This little poem has two HUGE voices--one yelling at (is that you?) and one confessing (is that you too?), and taken together this is a brilliant example of an inner world we often retreat to. It's also, in another way, a little funny!
Endanger not your words with shallow verbs and adjectives too fluffy... That is great advice to any writer.
Certainly your words would never lull one to sleep...they are far to fanciful!
not because they are boring but because they find comfort there right...there is just something about your own pillow...smiles...
hah! well, just so you know, your words have never put me to sleep :)
Ditto on Marion, none of your words have ever enticed me to want to sleep.. this is a .."Hey world here I am..so there." poem!! :)
I doubt that! I so enjoyed your poem~
And I agree you would never put me to sleep,either ;D
Laurie your poems have never put me to sleep, never even made my drowsy. They have brought to life dreams and painted vivid stories but never drew me to slumber. Love this piece.
I'm with Brian - I LOVE "my voice is a pillow"......because you offer peace and comfort........I also hear the humor in this. Good one, kiddo!
pillow talk..is it 'you' at fault? i think the world at large prefers to soften the blow with adjectives and fluff..cutting the crap requires a certain type of listener..maybe it is worth saving one's voice for the person willing to hear..jae
nope didn't fall asleep.
I love the contrast between the hard, in-your-face beginning and the pillow. The ending made me laugh out loud!
no unclear message here! I love the command to 'cut the crap'! and now it's time for a nap...
Well, I'm certainly not sleepy here. Great write!
Great opening:
"Cut the crap,
the hazard trap"
And isn't that the way? People would typically rather listen to their own voices.
I'm in agreement with Kerry!! You really rocked the brevity Laurie!! Well done!!
"when I open up people listen then fall asleep." The question is do they fall asleep during or after you open up.
I like the curve of the poem; makes me want to lean my head against it and fall asleep.
Wise advice..But you always write with just the right amount of words. :)
Your words are snappy...a shining example.
love the spirit in this poem,
and a lullaby voice is so needed
in the world, especially now.
LOL
"Cut the crap" is perfect. (Who was it who wrote without adverbs? Did he write without adjectives, too?
Oh, my wasted brain.)
Very well done, Laurie.
K
I believe it was Stephen King.
No danger of that when we read the wordzzzzzzz...
I LOVE the opening lines..
Beautiful Laurie. Like a comforting song I'm sure that the sound is gentle. :)
A bit of sassiness here, I like it!
Yes, we stamp our foot down, Laurie! If they don't wish to listen it's their problem!
Hank
I like this a lot. Love the line "the hazard trap-" There are a few of those. Like the snap and crackle and then the soft pop.
Beautiful. Love the poetic pillow here. This is one of my favorite poems of yours.
Words count! they do! thanks-
Being sleep inducing is in, eh? Naah, your voice is respected and sleep is out of the question.
Nice write, Laurie. :)
Nice. I often say "cut the crap" to myself after I read some of my own stuff! Yours has NEVER made me fall asleep, though!
Very nice. The use of two stressed syllables in each line gives the poem form. And it has a definite ending and a conclusion at the end. It is moral. I like it.
Nicely done. (Certainly when I open up people fall asleep; to the best of my knowledge, they don't listen.)
Great, Laurie. Love the "fluffy adjectives"; never thought of that adjective for adjectives... I find the actual premise of the poem quite hard to believe, though. I'd never fall asleep listening to you! Peace, Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.com/2012/07/28/corner-shelf-onstage/
That is what reminds me how poetry can be so beautiful...
That pillow talk is really very essential for the peace...I loved it...
Great write for the prompt. Compelling with a smile within.
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