Those Eyes
I. Original poem:
Covered up with lies
those eyes can hide no sin
and even though those eyes may smile
they are miserable within;
pain escapes from deep inside
like an outpouring of resin
but those eyes mask the tears
and the snake recoils again.
II. (via cut-up machine and a few tweaks)
eyes.
pain.
again. within.
lies within.
smile.
masked smile. fake.
those eyes, eyes. dolorous.
recoil. ouch.
lies.
with those eyes. horror.
eyes. shrink back.
hiss. sss.
those eyes, eyes. piercing.
up, no down. eyes.
slither, sneak. green snake. envy.
miserable.
pain.
eyes.
*Read more smashed poetry at Big Tent
8 comments:
Fascinating poem, Laurie. Enjoyed this.
Laurie, that turned out a wonderful poem.
Pamela
The cut-up machine was attitude altering, don't you think? Your original seems compassionate, the second is in-your-face. Pretty fascinating...thanks. Vb
very cool! I enjoyed the original and the cut-up version too!
So interesting how these worked. I like the first one better but the second one is a bit 'freer' and has a surreal feeling. Nicely done!
This is good poem..!
Here is mine:
homing
Love both of them, second one has a edginess to it that I like.
I liked them both. A very interesting experiment at the Big Tent. : )
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