Friday, March 25, 2011

Big Tent Poetry — smashing your words around —

Those Eyes
I. Original poem:

Covered up with lies
those eyes can hide no sin
and even though those eyes may smile
they are miserable within;
pain escapes from deep inside
like an outpouring of resin
but those eyes mask the tears
and the snake recoils again.


II. (via cut-up machine and a few tweaks)

eyes.
pain.
again. within.
lies within.
smile.
masked smile. fake.
those eyes, eyes. dolorous.
recoil. ouch.
lies.
with those eyes. horror.
eyes. shrink back.
hiss. sss.
those eyes, eyes. piercing.
up, no down. eyes.
slither, sneak. green snake. envy.
miserable.
pain.
eyes.

*Read more smashed poetry at Big Tent

9 comments:

mark said...

Fascinating poem, Laurie. Enjoyed this.

flaubert said...

Laurie, that turned out a wonderful poem.

Pamela

versebender said...

The cut-up machine was attitude altering, don't you think? Your original seems compassionate, the second is in-your-face. Pretty fascinating...thanks. Vb

nan said...

very cool! I enjoyed the original and the cut-up version too!

Tumblewords: said...

So interesting how these worked. I like the first one better but the second one is a bit 'freer' and has a surreal feeling. Nicely done!

gautami tripathy said...

This is good poem..!


Here is mine:
homing

Cathy said...

Love both of them, second one has a edginess to it that I like.

LKHarris-Kolp said...

Thanks!

thingy said...

I liked them both. A very interesting experiment at the Big Tent. : )