You've created some strong imagery in brevity, set the scene to include sound and time, then set the frame of mind.
Since this is crit and craft, there are a couple of suggestions that I'd like to make .
L1- Fronds sashay [in the wind] "in the wind" isn't really necessary in my opinion. That the fronds sashay implies wind strongly. L3- celestial moonshine. Since you are referring to the light from the celestial object, celestial seems to be a non-descriptive adjective. In my opinion, I think removing it and allowing moonshine to be taken both as the light from the moon and the alcoholic beverage would add depth to the poem titled Wasted.
L4- minds isn't really necessary in the last line. Let's see what it looks like really pared down with selective punctuation and in lower-case presentation.
fronds sashay, chimes a symphonic ode lost in moonshine, delusional overload
Does it say what you meant? I like the severe brevity of it but then again, I like it as you wrote it as well. Your choice to keep or toss.
I kind of like "in the wind" or you could use "windswept fronds sashay." Love the brevity and the hidden meaning. And the verbs. You make me want to write a poem with "sashay."
So many wise words have been posted. I shall just tip my hat. Nice write - motion emotion, i thought it was a sweeping pocket rocket -powerful and gorgeous.
yeah i caught on to the bleed from line to line...you do much with little...if the wrapped lines were not your mechanism i would agree on tightening just a bit more...
12 comments:
Hi, Laurie,
You've created some strong imagery in brevity, set the scene to include sound and time, then set the frame of mind.
Since this is crit and craft, there are a couple of suggestions that I'd like to make .
L1- Fronds sashay [in the wind]
"in the wind" isn't really necessary in my opinion. That the fronds sashay implies wind strongly.
L3- celestial moonshine. Since you are referring to the light from the celestial object, celestial seems to be a non-descriptive adjective. In my opinion, I think removing it and allowing moonshine to be taken both as the light from the moon and the alcoholic beverage would add depth to the poem titled Wasted.
L4- minds isn't really necessary in the last line. Let's see what it looks like really pared down with selective punctuation and in lower-case presentation.
fronds sashay,
chimes a symphonic ode
lost in moonshine,
delusional overload
Does it say what you meant? I like the severe brevity of it but then again, I like it as you wrote it as well. Your choice to keep or toss.
Thanks so much for linking in!
Beth
Beautiful
I love the words in this poem, Laurie.en
Both poem versions have merit!
Now I want to get wasted.
I kind of like "in the wind" or you could use "windswept fronds sashay." Love the brevity and the hidden meaning. And the verbs. You make me want to write a poem with "sashay."
Thanks to all of you... I do like Beth's version, but 'wind chime' is what I meant if you take away the line break...
It's supposed to sway from line to line...
So many wise words have been posted. I shall just tip my hat.
Nice write - motion emotion, i thought it was a sweeping pocket rocket -powerful and gorgeous.
I could relate to the last line hah ha ha .
Nice poem Laurie
I can only add I like that last line too ~
Thanks for sharing it.
yeah i caught on to the bleed from line to line...you do much with little...if the wrapped lines were not your mechanism i would agree on tightening just a bit more...
I like both versions too. However:
a) The way you wrote it has a nice, musical rhythm which fits the content.
b) It's such a sound poem that 'celestial moonshine' works for me.
Lovely!
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