Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wasted

Fronds sashay in the wind
chimes a symphonic ode
lost in celestial moonshine
delusional minds overload.

@laurie kolp



Inspired by: dVerse ~ Critique and craft

12 comments:

thoughtsofapatcheduptraveler said...

Hi, Laurie,

You've created some strong imagery in brevity, set the scene to include sound and time, then set the frame of mind.

Since this is crit and craft, there are a couple of suggestions that I'd like to make .

L1- Fronds sashay [in the wind]
"in the wind" isn't really necessary in my opinion. That the fronds sashay implies wind strongly.
L3- celestial moonshine. Since you are referring to the light from the celestial object, celestial seems to be a non-descriptive adjective. In my opinion, I think removing it and allowing moonshine to be taken both as the light from the moon and the alcoholic beverage would add depth to the poem titled Wasted.

L4- minds isn't really necessary in the last line. Let's see what it looks like really pared down with selective punctuation and in lower-case presentation.

fronds sashay,
chimes a symphonic ode
lost in moonshine,
delusional overload

Does it say what you meant? I like the severe brevity of it but then again, I like it as you wrote it as well. Your choice to keep or toss.

Thanks so much for linking in!

Beth

Daydreamertoo said...

Beautiful

Mary said...

I love the words in this poem, Laurie.en

Eva Gallant said...

Both poem versions have merit!
Now I want to get wasted.

Victoria said...

I kind of like "in the wind" or you could use "windswept fronds sashay." Love the brevity and the hidden meaning. And the verbs. You make me want to write a poem with "sashay."

Laurie Kolp said...

Thanks to all of you... I do like Beth's version, but 'wind chime' is what I meant if you take away the line break...

Laurie Kolp said...

It's supposed to sway from line to line...

Tom Eliot said...

So many wise words have been posted. I shall just tip my hat.
Nice write - motion emotion, i thought it was a sweeping pocket rocket -powerful and gorgeous.

I could relate to the last line hah ha ha .

Nice poem Laurie

Heaven said...

I can only add I like that last line too ~

Thanks for sharing it.

Brian Miller said...

yeah i caught on to the bleed from line to line...you do much with little...if the wrapped lines were not your mechanism i would agree on tightening just a bit more...

Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

I like both versions too. However:

a) The way you wrote it has a nice, musical rhythm which fits the content.

b) It's such a sound poem that 'celestial moonshine' works for me.

Madeleine Begun Kane said...

Lovely!