Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Blaming Myself

I don't think you can tell, but Andrew's cast goes all the way up his arm to almost his armpit. Poor thing is so uncomfortable, he woke me up at 4:30 A.M. because his arm itched and hurt. Plus it was hot. And to think summer is here, and we are going to Disney World in two weeks- I feel so sorry for him.

The thing that makes me saddest is that last night before he went to bed, Andrew said, "You know, this would never have happened if I hadn't gone outside to play with Nicholas."

To which my reply was, "Yes- that's true." I knew what he was going to say next because I had felt the same thing.

"And," he said, "I didn't even want to go outside, but you made me."

I tearfully answered, "True- do you blame me for your broken arm?"

Andrew timidly said, "Kinda."

I gave my middle child a big hug, and said, "Thank you for being honest- for telling me how you feel," then I paused, hoping God would give me an intuitive thought. I was too upset to hear Him. So, I continued to hug him and said I was sorry, I blamed myself, too.

"It's okay," he said, as he hugged me back.

I went outside his room and cried to Pete, who told me not to blame myself...Andrew could have tripped and fallen anywhere, at anytime- the whole thing is in God's hand anyway. He was swinging with Nick, went over backwards, I had no control over that.

I just wished I could go back to that day one week ago, keep my mouth shut, and let Andrew be.


Debra Harris-Johnson said...

It isn't our fault, after all they didn't come with instructions. Boy I wish they did. Disney World will make him forget all about it.

Jeni said...

you ARE NOT to blame & no'one should make you feel that way. you know that right? You are an incredible mother. Accidents happen. That is life! Blame is not healthy, whether it be to someone else or our own selves. Plus it pointless. What good is blaming going to do? nothing! Except cause pain. Lets avoid any pain ;).... xoxo love you, Jeni