Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sliding down to let down

Sliding down this mountain has been quite emotional for me.  I have spent so much time on my novel that I feel lost.  I miss my characters as if they were friends who moved away.  I want to jump back into their world.  I am just so emotional!

Yesterday Katie and I watched The Last Song, a movie based on Nicholas Sparks' novel.  It was a beautiful story that so deeply touched me I nearly cried a puddle.  I have never cried like that at a movie I watched with Katie.  In fact, I don't think I have cried like that since I was pregnant; back then, I cried at Hallmark commercials!  We were watching it on the bed in my room (Pete and the boys were watching a manly movie in the den).  The tears flowed continuously out of my eyes and down my face like a faucet.  Katie handed me the Kleenex box and was like, "M-O-uh-M."  She was paying more attention to me than the TV!  After the movie was over, I tried to tell Pete about it, and I started bawling all over again.  Katie did not know how to handle seeing her mom so... weak?  I even checked to make sure my hormone patch was not overdue.

It was a sad movie and all, but I believe there was much more to my reaction than meets the eye.  I mean, down deep I could have been mourning the ending of my book.  Subconsciously, I might have been ruing over the probability that my book will never hit the New York Times bestseller list, or the big screen like Nicholas Sparks, Elizabeth Gilbert and James Patterson.  But I love my novel, and I think it deserves the best. 

And now I know...

FEAR is threatening to knock down my confidence.  After all, the hard part is ahead of me.  As a friend said, now is the time to redecorate-- rearrange things here and there, add a little flair, and polish it up. 

THEN I get to start the process of submitting my little baby and subjecting it to all kinds of harsh criticism and rejection.  Can I handle that?

I think I can, I think I can... back up the hill I go.


Sylvia Ney said...

Congratulations - I know you'll see it on the stands one day!

Dr. Pearl Ketover Prilik (PKP) said...

Dear Laurie

I read your post this morning and was moved and touch profoundly. I wrote a long rambling and heart felt response which for some reason flew away into the Universe... so here's another go at it...

I do feel that what you are describing is very much post-partum.. you have just recently given birth..and the magic of being pregnant with life and of the incomparable joy of that birth is now followed by the emotion-charged crash from the mystical world of creation to the everyday world of the here and now. Your "friend" spoke of decorating and putting finishing touches and flair..true to a point... but our children who walk on two legs actually present less of a torment of responsibility than our "word children."

I believe that at some point with our human children, we realize that there is the element of free will and whatever grace, experiences and other individuals, that the Universe will bring into their lives separate from our careful ministrations. We can only care for them, support them and then let them fly. With our "word children" creations that are solely ours, products of our minds, our flying or hesitating fingers, our spirits and our very souls there is a sense that we have much more control whether these "children" of our own creation will have a future only in our hearts and perhaps those few who love us or in the grander world soaring to the heights of, let us say, the NY Times Best Seller list and the like.

Such thoughts can be paralyzing, even though we may feel that we have all the control, that if only we edit the right word or passage here or there, or find the proper agent or publisher, I do not believe this to be true. I have come to believe that there is only so much that is within our province and power. It is calming to realize and accept such limitation, and to embrace the very real possibility that as with our human children, these children of our words will find their own path.

I was moved when you spoke the unspeakable, that there is FEAR at this point, following the magic and mysticism of creation, we are now not merely decorating, but we are charged with raising our children to the best of our love and ability and then also charged with releasing them to the pure blinding white cold of the world .. where like crimson cardinals they may soar into a blue limitless sky or sit and simply gaze back and at us from a height forever beyond our reach, imploring us to marvel at their beauty and be at peace with our portion of their creation.

By the way... for all the foregoing pretty words, I have not even read my own novel yet... LOL, and so, dear Laurie...
Pass the Kleenex and let's get on with raising these "kids.

With all my love to my fellow post-partum mom

LKHarris-Kolp said...

Sylvia- You're sweet... thanks for the vote of confidence.

Pearl- I find it fascinating and brilliant how you compared writing a novel to giving birth, and I agree! My "word children" and what happens to them are in the hands of God. All I can do is polish them before I send them on their way. Thank you for reminding me why I write-- because I want to, need to fulfill that passion I have.

Dr. Pearl Ketover Prilik (PKP) said...

Oh my! I did not mean to lecture or sound arrogant! I didn t mean to remind you to scale back real world goals..... Why not the NY Times list? .... I just meant that I realized from reading your entry how similar the process is to having children.... That doesn t mean that we don t see the sky as the limit for all our " kids"! As said, I talk a good talk....but have yet to read my own novel!

Jeni said...

did you get my post for this one? i sent it and didn't see the normal "your post will show upon approval".....

Jeni said...

You have just spent a month of nonstop writing (AND dealing with daily duties)... you haven't had time to feel, so now that you do, it is all built up. You should be good to go now :) ~ If you need to get some more crys out, try: "My Sisters Keeper"... I blogged about it last week.

That's my diagnosis my friend! You know what to do. You are a survivor. It's just another day.

I'm so proud of you!