Hi, Laurie,You've created some strong imagery in brevity, set the scene to include sound and time, then set the frame of mind.Since this is crit and craft, there are a couple of suggestions that I'd like to make .L1- Fronds sashay [in the wind]"in the wind" isn't really necessary in my opinion. That the fronds sashay implies wind strongly.L3- celestial moonshine. Since you are referring to the light from the celestial object, celestial seems to be a non-descriptive adjective. In my opinion, I think removing it and allowing moonshine to be taken both as the light from the moon and the alcoholic beverage would add depth to the poem titled Wasted.L4- minds isn't really necessary in the last line. Let's see what it looks like really pared down with selective punctuation and in lower-case presentation.fronds sashay,chimes a symphonic odelost in moonshine,delusional overloadDoes it say what you meant? I like the severe brevity of it but then again, I like it as you wrote it as well. Your choice to keep or toss. Thanks so much for linking in!Beth
I love the words in this poem, Laurie.en
Both poem versions have merit!Now I want to get wasted.
I kind of like "in the wind" or you could use "windswept fronds sashay." Love the brevity and the hidden meaning. And the verbs. You make me want to write a poem with "sashay."
Thanks to all of you... I do like Beth's version, but 'wind chime' is what I meant if you take away the line break...
It's supposed to sway from line to line...
So many wise words have been posted. I shall just tip my hat.Nice write - motion emotion, i thought it was a sweeping pocket rocket -powerful and gorgeous.I could relate to the last line hah ha ha .Nice poem Laurie
I can only add I like that last line too ~Thanks for sharing it.
yeah i caught on to the bleed from line to line...you do much with little...if the wrapped lines were not your mechanism i would agree on tightening just a bit more...
I like both versions too. However:a) The way you wrote it has a nice, musical rhythm which fits the content. b) It's such a sound poem that 'celestial moonshine' works for me.
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