It's been almost a year since your horrible death, yet it seems like just yesterday. March 22, 2008, the day before Easter, I was dying Easter eggs with my kids, trying to get in touch with you. We always talked several times throughout the day, yet on this day, all I got was your voicemail. I started to get a funny feeling in my gut around noon, and ironically, that is the time that you took your life. Why, Mary, did you do this? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave your kids and your family? I will never forget Brian's call. We had just sat down to eat dinner, my family and I, when he called and told me the horrible news. I went outside so my children couldn't see my reaction. I remember sitting on the grass and bawling. Just the day before, you were sitting beside me and wrote me a note saying you loved me. We were like sisters, Mary. Why didn't you come to me instead? I could have helped you. Now I am left here with this horrible pain. Did you know that the calendar has March 22 listed as "Mothering Sunday" this year? You were such a great mom, Mary, that this doesn't surprise me.
Last night I went to church for Ash Wednesday- the beginning of Lent. They played the song "Amazing Grace." I cried for you, Mary. My son asked me if the ashes from my forehead got in my eyes, I was crying so much and he was so worried about me. I will never forget you Mary. We went through the same things- our lives were parallel growing up. I guess that is why we were so close- we could relate to each other. I had already worked through my pain from the past, yet you were just beginning to, and I was going to help you. Now I feel like a failure because I couldn't help you, Mary. I am so sorry for that. Will you forgive me? Then, maybe, one day I can forgive myself.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see. T'was Grace that taught...my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear...the hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils and snares...we have already come. T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...and Grace will lead us home. The Lord has promised good to me...His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be...as long as life endures. When we've been here ten thousand years...bright shining as the sun. We've no less days to sing God's praise...then when we've first begun. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see."
I'm going to post a little long winded. You know, death is such a hard thing to accept, more so when you did not have the chance to speak to its coming. The suddenness is a void that can never be filled without a chance to talk it out to someone. Not to be all in your business,but I believe you would heal if you can talk to someone neutral. Mary was like your sister, could you go to victim's assistance or something like that? I hurt for you and the scar you are carrying. I believe deep down you belittle your feelings because she wasn't really 'blood', but soul ties run just as deep and tight. Its like me and Toby. I may not have been his mother, he may not have died, but I miss him just the same I say cry on, forgive yourself. I'm sure if Mary knew how you would feel at this moment, she would have talked to you before hand. Take comfort in her note and know there was nothing you could have done. I hope you told your son you missed you friend because children also need to know it is okay to cry and that you will get over it. My mom's mother died when she was sixteen and even at 50 and 60 she would let us know when she was a little depressed over her or just needed a word of comfort. Be comforted today and know I am praying for you all of this coming month.
Man, I can not imagine your grief. I've had close friends that I worried about, that were going through major problems, but the thought of them actually leaving was completely inconceivable.
I know every faith is different on this topic but I truly believe that those who commit suicide really die from an illness - whether that's depression, chronic pain, or a mental illness. You'll see her again someday.
But, I agree with Nancy that in the meantime, you might want to talk to someone regularly, even if it's just a religious leader, to start the healing process. Just because you're functioning and completing a list of tasks each day does not mean you're living your life to the fullest.
I pray that you'll be able to find some peace.
I read that last night before I went to bed and slept in a weep of tears. I know your pain & i also know you don't dwell in it. We write to heal. That is what we blog for. We loved her and miss her & it's not even a year. We will heal & we do know she is with us. Thank you for loving her the way you did - it helps me with my guilt of not being there when she got out. She loved you so much. She talked about you everytime i spoke to her. We are blessed to have the signs that we do. We will rejoice in her life & knowing her. She is at peace now ~ we will grow to be at peace with that ~ in time.
I love you so much!!
BTW: Amazing Grace was our dad's favorite song... I can hear him singing it now as I did when he was alive. He had a beautiful voice. Thank you for that!!
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